shannon & jon. my book friends. we should go to this town called Hay-On-Wye in Wales. near shropshire / downton-on-the-rock / ludlow / hereford. it is known as the town of books.
jon it is in wales. you can see your mom and dad there.
Friday, August 24, 2007
culmination
[i wrote this last night, but lack of internet did no help]
things happen. maybe i am more perceptive, but it seems as though more roughness falls on me in a moment than it would in two moments or more.
all in a few days.
my broken car = no money.
my bike riding = more sleep / still tired.
my weekend = different.
a mild car accident.
a failure of a business endeavor.
there are more. i think these together kill my creativity, probably by bringing down my morale. i feel no urge. nothing. and i feel that it is these times that I need creativity, these times that i am supposed to be making a certain graphic because that is what i am getting paid to do. i don’t feel like i am. It feels so hard to have energy to create like this.
also.
work tonight killed me. not in the salinger style, but in the “i am without energy” style. knowing that friends i know are having fun. knowing that i could have been with them if it was not for school, if it was not for san jose state. not for that whole mix up. then knowing that i do not work tomorrow, but everyone else does (in turn, separating me again).
anyways, work killed me. i was tired. i complained. i felt as if i were babysitting. the girls i worked with, they were children. i grew frustrated. as time went on and i thought about the aforementioned list of roughness, things did not…[i was going to continue with this. but i have now opted against this. it would be boring to read, just a venting session through keyboard and screen. but i feel that writing about my frustration would not help me heal it. so i might as well not write and just focus, make things ok. learn peace, learn happiness...]
[this section is post script, this is live. this is 10 hours after the above]
where is happiness acheived. where could i go to become happy. what would that entail. i am a happy usually. at least content. maybe im not spilling over. but its ok with me. but there are the moments like last night [above] where i can only ask questions to help my acheive this contentment.
i thought about my recent past. my last 2 years. this newere version of self. what would this guy do. where can i rewind the tape to find smiles and laughter. movies, no. not watching it alone. that would make this worse. friends, totally, but they are gone or asleep. a nice drink, not alone, that wouldnt even satisfy, it would be a temporary replacement, and the fact that i recognize that makes me hate that i thought about that.
i just went home and read two pages and fell asleep. i dont think it satisfied me. it calmed me. my mind wandered around for the whole two pages though. [this is long, sorry]
its amazing how much respect i give sleep. its an excuse to start over. i feel that during the bad days and the sick days. i want to sleep so that i wake up with refreshment. and i know things are not different, but it gives us reason to start again. and my vent session concludes with that.
[i wrote this last night, but lack of internet did no help]
things happen. maybe i am more perceptive, but it seems as though more roughness falls on me in a moment than it would in two moments or more.
all in a few days.
my broken car = no money.
my bike riding = more sleep / still tired.
my weekend = different.
a mild car accident.
a failure of a business endeavor.
there are more. i think these together kill my creativity, probably by bringing down my morale. i feel no urge. nothing. and i feel that it is these times that I need creativity, these times that i am supposed to be making a certain graphic because that is what i am getting paid to do. i don’t feel like i am. It feels so hard to have energy to create like this.
also.
work tonight killed me. not in the salinger style, but in the “i am without energy” style. knowing that friends i know are having fun. knowing that i could have been with them if it was not for school, if it was not for san jose state. not for that whole mix up. then knowing that i do not work tomorrow, but everyone else does (in turn, separating me again).
anyways, work killed me. i was tired. i complained. i felt as if i were babysitting. the girls i worked with, they were children. i grew frustrated. as time went on and i thought about the aforementioned list of roughness, things did not…[i was going to continue with this. but i have now opted against this. it would be boring to read, just a venting session through keyboard and screen. but i feel that writing about my frustration would not help me heal it. so i might as well not write and just focus, make things ok. learn peace, learn happiness...]
[this section is post script, this is live. this is 10 hours after the above]
where is happiness acheived. where could i go to become happy. what would that entail. i am a happy usually. at least content. maybe im not spilling over. but its ok with me. but there are the moments like last night [above] where i can only ask questions to help my acheive this contentment.
i thought about my recent past. my last 2 years. this newere version of self. what would this guy do. where can i rewind the tape to find smiles and laughter. movies, no. not watching it alone. that would make this worse. friends, totally, but they are gone or asleep. a nice drink, not alone, that wouldnt even satisfy, it would be a temporary replacement, and the fact that i recognize that makes me hate that i thought about that.
i just went home and read two pages and fell asleep. i dont think it satisfied me. it calmed me. my mind wandered around for the whole two pages though. [this is long, sorry]
its amazing how much respect i give sleep. its an excuse to start over. i feel that during the bad days and the sick days. i want to sleep so that i wake up with refreshment. and i know things are not different, but it gives us reason to start again. and my vent session concludes with that.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
the genesee diary
henry nouwen has once again impressed me. im only partway through the book. once again i am reading my thoughts. or maybe not necessarily my own thoughts but collective thoughts that my friends and i have. he takes seven months to live in a trappist monatary to learn the joys of quiet and solitude. and to learn to be fully present even when picking stones from a creek, or separating raisins from rocks. there is also this whole idea that he is too concerned with writing a book about our solitude while he is not enjoying the solitude. its very interesting right now. ill see if it holds up.
im off to school. for hopefully the final semester ever. i hate this right now.
henry nouwen has once again impressed me. im only partway through the book. once again i am reading my thoughts. or maybe not necessarily my own thoughts but collective thoughts that my friends and i have. he takes seven months to live in a trappist monatary to learn the joys of quiet and solitude. and to learn to be fully present even when picking stones from a creek, or separating raisins from rocks. there is also this whole idea that he is too concerned with writing a book about our solitude while he is not enjoying the solitude. its very interesting right now. ill see if it holds up.
im off to school. for hopefully the final semester ever. i hate this right now.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
the effects of being real
i have always loathed hypocracy and façades. im not saying that i have never taken on these forms, but moreso realized that being false is not an option.
in turn, working in retail gives us reason to be a façade. and i am still behind that a lot. but there is also that bond with coworkers where they understand who you are. there is this relationship. this real relationship. we spend many many many hours together. we should know eachother well.
when i dont want to be there, i say "i dont want to be here"
when im happy to see someone i say "im happy to see you"
it becomes real.
and to hear questions about faith. or what i do. or why im silent. or why im carefree. or why i care about this.
–these questions / these answers / these responses are my reasons why i am real.
so it is so good to see three coworkers all show up to vintage on sunday. thirty miles from their home. some taking the night off work. and it is good to get a text from another coworker who wants to join this crew.
it is also nice to know that i never had to force anything. i never had to pretend to have a stronger faith than i do. i just....was. thats all.
i have always loathed hypocracy and façades. im not saying that i have never taken on these forms, but moreso realized that being false is not an option.
in turn, working in retail gives us reason to be a façade. and i am still behind that a lot. but there is also that bond with coworkers where they understand who you are. there is this relationship. this real relationship. we spend many many many hours together. we should know eachother well.
when i dont want to be there, i say "i dont want to be here"
when im happy to see someone i say "im happy to see you"
it becomes real.
and to hear questions about faith. or what i do. or why im silent. or why im carefree. or why i care about this.
–these questions / these answers / these responses are my reasons why i am real.
so it is so good to see three coworkers all show up to vintage on sunday. thirty miles from their home. some taking the night off work. and it is good to get a text from another coworker who wants to join this crew.
it is also nice to know that i never had to force anything. i never had to pretend to have a stronger faith than i do. i just....was. thats all.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
it killed me
for a long time i have said those words. it killed me. many times to describe a person or a feeling or a moment.
i felt i was always asked what i meant by that. i remember being asked that after my description for Paris Je T'aime was "it killed me". and i couldnt describe what i meant. now i realize that there are moments or people that are so full of life and amazement and it is so much more than i am or i can comprehend that i claim it is a moment to kill me. to break me. to make me understand. to make me yearn.
of course i am not the first to say this. but i found it very rewarding to find that Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye uses it a lot to describe his "could have beens". i love this section:
she was a funny girl, old jane. i wouldn't exactly describe her as strictly beautiful. she knocked me out, though. she was sort of muckle-mouthed. i mean when she was talking and she got excited about something, her mouth sort of went in about fifty directions, her lips and all. that killed me."
maybe i am taking on what i read. im some sort of peter petrelli with books.
for a long time i have said those words. it killed me. many times to describe a person or a feeling or a moment.
i felt i was always asked what i meant by that. i remember being asked that after my description for Paris Je T'aime was "it killed me". and i couldnt describe what i meant. now i realize that there are moments or people that are so full of life and amazement and it is so much more than i am or i can comprehend that i claim it is a moment to kill me. to break me. to make me understand. to make me yearn.
of course i am not the first to say this. but i found it very rewarding to find that Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye uses it a lot to describe his "could have beens". i love this section:
she was a funny girl, old jane. i wouldn't exactly describe her as strictly beautiful. she knocked me out, though. she was sort of muckle-mouthed. i mean when she was talking and she got excited about something, her mouth sort of went in about fifty directions, her lips and all. that killed me."
maybe i am taking on what i read. im some sort of peter petrelli with books.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
meeting location
the thought that me, jon, dave, caitlin, ryan, thad, adrea, jordan, aletheia, shannon, joann, sammy, ashley, emily, amber, simon, keelan and more will all meet up at different parts of november in different countries and for most, will culminate in shropshire with a grand celebration, is such a good feeling.
the thought that me, jon, dave, caitlin, ryan, thad, adrea, jordan, aletheia, shannon, joann, sammy, ashley, emily, amber, simon, keelan and more will all meet up at different parts of november in different countries and for most, will culminate in shropshire with a grand celebration, is such a good feeling.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
numbers & saving
"if google had a black screen, taking in account the huge number of page views, according to calculations, 750 mega watts/hour per year would be saved." (visit blackle).
matthew sleeth's book, Serve God Save The Planet, is making me think too much. not bad at all. i am excited for people to read this and feel this way about our waste and our consumption and our use of time and our daily routine. i am excited to brainstorm with friends and roomates and see how we can change.
i have always taken the side of the guy who feels very unpowerful. i have never felt that my votes count. i always figured that those who are more outspoken than i am will accomplish what i want. i dont have to side. i dont have to supply effort. but the book, the challenges, the "everything that we do has the potential to tear apart the environment in turn hurt habitats which will kill the potential food for millions of people". this is america. our speed expectations at restaurants stress out the restaurants so they in turn will want easier food to make, which will involve more chemicals and, what is the worse thing in my mind, making vegetarian animals such as cows to eat their own processed kinds in order to make their diet cheaper....because in all reality it comes down to efficiency and cost-effectiveness.
these ideas get me, and i know that many people dont realize any of this or they pretend that they didnt hear about any of this (thats where i came from). but i am that one guy that will cast his vote and it will count somewhere.
jon sontag. lets meet soon. i really want you to read the book and i want us to start helping eachother out in this.
"if google had a black screen, taking in account the huge number of page views, according to calculations, 750 mega watts/hour per year would be saved." (visit blackle).
matthew sleeth's book, Serve God Save The Planet, is making me think too much. not bad at all. i am excited for people to read this and feel this way about our waste and our consumption and our use of time and our daily routine. i am excited to brainstorm with friends and roomates and see how we can change.
i have always taken the side of the guy who feels very unpowerful. i have never felt that my votes count. i always figured that those who are more outspoken than i am will accomplish what i want. i dont have to side. i dont have to supply effort. but the book, the challenges, the "everything that we do has the potential to tear apart the environment in turn hurt habitats which will kill the potential food for millions of people". this is america. our speed expectations at restaurants stress out the restaurants so they in turn will want easier food to make, which will involve more chemicals and, what is the worse thing in my mind, making vegetarian animals such as cows to eat their own processed kinds in order to make their diet cheaper....because in all reality it comes down to efficiency and cost-effectiveness.
these ideas get me, and i know that many people dont realize any of this or they pretend that they didnt hear about any of this (thats where i came from). but i am that one guy that will cast his vote and it will count somewhere.
jon sontag. lets meet soon. i really want you to read the book and i want us to start helping eachother out in this.
Monday, July 23, 2007
cynic
i feel that everyone is looking for their thing. everyone wants to discover this thing. im guilty of it. and the more that i have been trying to stray from holding on to this thing to be mine, to be my reason, to be my find, my treasure, my good luck...i feel that it kills me to see people find it. maybe this goes along with me hating (extreme words choice) everything that everyone likes.
all i ask is contentment for everything.
i dont want to see movies or concerts or books and just assume that these things really didnt change peoples lives.
i hear those words all the time. i just dont know anything about them. or their hearts. or their intentions.
i really hate the fact that for two days now i am being fully cynical and selfish. or maybe im just aware of it. and i think this awareness is good. tell me when im dumb. these days are good days to hear those words.
i feel that everyone is looking for their thing. everyone wants to discover this thing. im guilty of it. and the more that i have been trying to stray from holding on to this thing to be mine, to be my reason, to be my find, my treasure, my good luck...i feel that it kills me to see people find it. maybe this goes along with me hating (extreme words choice) everything that everyone likes.
all i ask is contentment for everything.
i dont want to see movies or concerts or books and just assume that these things really didnt change peoples lives.
i hear those words all the time. i just dont know anything about them. or their hearts. or their intentions.
i really hate the fact that for two days now i am being fully cynical and selfish. or maybe im just aware of it. and i think this awareness is good. tell me when im dumb. these days are good days to hear those words.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
top six musicians(idea taken from jon's blog)
wilco
i had friends that were into them. and i remember seeing all these great reviews for yankee hotel foxtrot. and i saw the album at tower in the country section. and i remember being confused by it all. why did some of my friends like country. everything was adding up for me to finally listen to them. i knew nothing about them. about a week after i felt this need to hear them i was near the old camera 3 theater downtown and there was a poster advertising I Am Trying To Break Your Heart, a documentary about wilco. i decided to see it. this movie made me love the album and the band. and to see true music being made, with emotions and everything. it was perfect. here are the first 2 minutes of that film:
and then i saw them at the san jose center for performing arts (on november 13, 2004).
pedro the lion / david bazan
im pretty sure ive seen him about ten times. the first time he was in a full band, and they were on tooth and nail records and they were opening up velour 100 (i actually just figured out that this was on july 27, 1999). some of his songs are some of my favorite things ever. and the stories he paints with each album are amazing, and it makes me not take any song individually, but as a complete work. one of the few people i have ever wanted to talk to, and at a show 2 years ago he actually began talking to me. he initiated it, and i was surprised. this video is from his 1999 days.
broken social scene
my friend damien showed me them on the light rail on my way home from school a few years back. initially i knew that he liked strange music (to me) so i expected something out there. he played me Almost Crimes from You Forgot It In People. i was hooked at that point. i love the idea that this band is more of a collective than a band. they all come from different music projects (Stars, Metric, Feist, Do Make Say Think, Reverie Sound Revue...) and each song is made with different elements involved. here is one of my favorite videos of theirs:
the knife
im sad to say that i got into them after hearing jose gonzales cover their song. no originality. jose beat me to it. i remember listening to deep cuts on my way home from sf one night and i stayed in my car for a bit after to just let the album finish. thats all i can say. i saw them last year and it was one of the highlights of my concert life. what made it more special was after the show when we were hanging out outside and karin walked passed us and then we follwed her and she disappeared into the sf air.
sufjan stevens
i first heard his michigan album and i actually didnt care for it. but it was on my ipod and i kept skipping over his name and i gave it a good listen (i remember that i was near savers on bascom when i began to like the music). then illinois killed me. so so so good. then i heard seven swans. and that was truly amazing.
sigur ros
"victory rose"
my brother told me about them and i remember listening to Untitled 4 on my way to school soon after. then i bought that album, which could equate to one of my favorite albums ever. all of their music has become soundtracks to everything. the idea that i dont know what any of their songs are about has me create stories. i can listen to it through any environment. it has become the perfect piece for travel, and for nighttime and for motion. i feel separated when i listen to anything by them. i feel that i am in worship. i feel that everything is perfect. its crazy.
the best music video:
the live amazement:
wilco
i had friends that were into them. and i remember seeing all these great reviews for yankee hotel foxtrot. and i saw the album at tower in the country section. and i remember being confused by it all. why did some of my friends like country. everything was adding up for me to finally listen to them. i knew nothing about them. about a week after i felt this need to hear them i was near the old camera 3 theater downtown and there was a poster advertising I Am Trying To Break Your Heart, a documentary about wilco. i decided to see it. this movie made me love the album and the band. and to see true music being made, with emotions and everything. it was perfect. here are the first 2 minutes of that film:
and then i saw them at the san jose center for performing arts (on november 13, 2004).
pedro the lion / david bazan
im pretty sure ive seen him about ten times. the first time he was in a full band, and they were on tooth and nail records and they were opening up velour 100 (i actually just figured out that this was on july 27, 1999). some of his songs are some of my favorite things ever. and the stories he paints with each album are amazing, and it makes me not take any song individually, but as a complete work. one of the few people i have ever wanted to talk to, and at a show 2 years ago he actually began talking to me. he initiated it, and i was surprised. this video is from his 1999 days.
broken social scene
my friend damien showed me them on the light rail on my way home from school a few years back. initially i knew that he liked strange music (to me) so i expected something out there. he played me Almost Crimes from You Forgot It In People. i was hooked at that point. i love the idea that this band is more of a collective than a band. they all come from different music projects (Stars, Metric, Feist, Do Make Say Think, Reverie Sound Revue...) and each song is made with different elements involved. here is one of my favorite videos of theirs:
the knife
im sad to say that i got into them after hearing jose gonzales cover their song. no originality. jose beat me to it. i remember listening to deep cuts on my way home from sf one night and i stayed in my car for a bit after to just let the album finish. thats all i can say. i saw them last year and it was one of the highlights of my concert life. what made it more special was after the show when we were hanging out outside and karin walked passed us and then we follwed her and she disappeared into the sf air.
sufjan stevens
i first heard his michigan album and i actually didnt care for it. but it was on my ipod and i kept skipping over his name and i gave it a good listen (i remember that i was near savers on bascom when i began to like the music). then illinois killed me. so so so good. then i heard seven swans. and that was truly amazing.
sigur ros
"victory rose"
my brother told me about them and i remember listening to Untitled 4 on my way to school soon after. then i bought that album, which could equate to one of my favorite albums ever. all of their music has become soundtracks to everything. the idea that i dont know what any of their songs are about has me create stories. i can listen to it through any environment. it has become the perfect piece for travel, and for nighttime and for motion. i feel separated when i listen to anything by them. i feel that i am in worship. i feel that everything is perfect. its crazy.
the best music video:
the live amazement:
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
thanks to the failing school systems in america
this is playing in san francisco and berkeley on september 7. i highly reccommend it (as i did a year ago).
joann, dont read that because that might not make you happy. but at least you had seen it before.
for everyone else, go see it. ill be there for sure.
the reason it is getting more showings now is because morgan spurlock is feeding the movie money (executive producer status) because that is the next slightly immoral issue that he is takling (along with everything he has done).
this is playing in san francisco and berkeley on september 7. i highly reccommend it (as i did a year ago).
joann, dont read that because that might not make you happy. but at least you had seen it before.
for everyone else, go see it. ill be there for sure.
the reason it is getting more showings now is because morgan spurlock is feeding the movie money (executive producer status) because that is the next slightly immoral issue that he is takling (along with everything he has done).
Monday, July 16, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
as of recent
i think one of the greatest tangents to travelling is budgeting. this also comes with me expecting certain checks to arrive that have not. or me also forgetting that some checks that i write take some time to process. and i shouldnt forget.
so basically everything brought me to a low. and i kindof love it.
i can make it though the next few days and it should be fun. i need this uncomfort.
i think one of the greatest tangents to travelling is budgeting. this also comes with me expecting certain checks to arrive that have not. or me also forgetting that some checks that i write take some time to process. and i shouldnt forget.
so basically everything brought me to a low. and i kindof love it.
i can make it though the next few days and it should be fun. i need this uncomfort.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
all i do is blog.
this is moreso for my own reference, so that i dont forget about these. and i will hope that any of you will join me at these events.
july 7: sherwood @ great american music hall
july 11: klaxons @ great american music hall
july 19: the bird and the bee @ the independent
july 21: ryan adams @ the catalyst
july 23: chromeo / flosstradamus (free) @ the mezzanine
july 29: daft punk @ the greek
august 3: st. vincent @ cafe du nord
august 24: wilco @ the greek
september 9: okkervil river / damien jurado @ the independent
also, in random news:
i just found out liz claiborne died.
and
this is steve jobs and his closet
this is moreso for my own reference, so that i dont forget about these. and i will hope that any of you will join me at these events.
july 7: sherwood @ great american music hall
july 11: klaxons @ great american music hall
july 19: the bird and the bee @ the independent
july 21: ryan adams @ the catalyst
july 23: chromeo / flosstradamus (free) @ the mezzanine
july 29: daft punk @ the greek
august 3: st. vincent @ cafe du nord
august 24: wilco @ the greek
september 9: okkervil river / damien jurado @ the independent
also, in random news:
i just found out liz claiborne died.
and
this is steve jobs and his closet
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
mcsweeney's
they're going bankrupt. and they're having a sale. buy stuff to help them out. i just subscribed to believer magazine and the mcsweeney's quarterly.
www.mcsweeneys.net
they're going bankrupt. and they're having a sale. buy stuff to help them out. i just subscribed to believer magazine and the mcsweeney's quarterly.
www.mcsweeneys.net
Thursday, June 21, 2007
missing my birthday
im going out to england in november. no questions. ill miss some school and ill miss thanksgiving. now im thinking about missing my birthday. well i wont miss it. ill just celebrate it elsewhere. it what i do besides england and the wedding that i want opinions on.
do i go to:
stockholm, sweden.
budapest, hungary.
riga, latvia.
katowice, poland.
tampere, finland.
i tried to get all snowy images because that what it will be like. most likely i will go to budapest to visit our friend joann. but joann, i think you should find a city that suits you and we could possibly meet there.
im going out to england in november. no questions. ill miss some school and ill miss thanksgiving. now im thinking about missing my birthday. well i wont miss it. ill just celebrate it elsewhere. it what i do besides england and the wedding that i want opinions on.
do i go to:
stockholm, sweden.
budapest, hungary.
riga, latvia.
katowice, poland.
tampere, finland.
i tried to get all snowy images because that what it will be like. most likely i will go to budapest to visit our friend joann. but joann, i think you should find a city that suits you and we could possibly meet there.
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