shannon & jon. my book friends. we should go to this town called Hay-On-Wye in Wales. near shropshire / downton-on-the-rock / ludlow / hereford. it is known as the town of books.
jon it is in wales. you can see your mom and dad there.
Friday, August 24, 2007
culmination
[i wrote this last night, but lack of internet did no help]
things happen. maybe i am more perceptive, but it seems as though more roughness falls on me in a moment than it would in two moments or more.
all in a few days.
my broken car = no money.
my bike riding = more sleep / still tired.
my weekend = different.
a mild car accident.
a failure of a business endeavor.
there are more. i think these together kill my creativity, probably by bringing down my morale. i feel no urge. nothing. and i feel that it is these times that I need creativity, these times that i am supposed to be making a certain graphic because that is what i am getting paid to do. i don’t feel like i am. It feels so hard to have energy to create like this.
also.
work tonight killed me. not in the salinger style, but in the “i am without energy” style. knowing that friends i know are having fun. knowing that i could have been with them if it was not for school, if it was not for san jose state. not for that whole mix up. then knowing that i do not work tomorrow, but everyone else does (in turn, separating me again).
anyways, work killed me. i was tired. i complained. i felt as if i were babysitting. the girls i worked with, they were children. i grew frustrated. as time went on and i thought about the aforementioned list of roughness, things did not…[i was going to continue with this. but i have now opted against this. it would be boring to read, just a venting session through keyboard and screen. but i feel that writing about my frustration would not help me heal it. so i might as well not write and just focus, make things ok. learn peace, learn happiness...]
[this section is post script, this is live. this is 10 hours after the above]
where is happiness acheived. where could i go to become happy. what would that entail. i am a happy usually. at least content. maybe im not spilling over. but its ok with me. but there are the moments like last night [above] where i can only ask questions to help my acheive this contentment.
i thought about my recent past. my last 2 years. this newere version of self. what would this guy do. where can i rewind the tape to find smiles and laughter. movies, no. not watching it alone. that would make this worse. friends, totally, but they are gone or asleep. a nice drink, not alone, that wouldnt even satisfy, it would be a temporary replacement, and the fact that i recognize that makes me hate that i thought about that.
i just went home and read two pages and fell asleep. i dont think it satisfied me. it calmed me. my mind wandered around for the whole two pages though. [this is long, sorry]
its amazing how much respect i give sleep. its an excuse to start over. i feel that during the bad days and the sick days. i want to sleep so that i wake up with refreshment. and i know things are not different, but it gives us reason to start again. and my vent session concludes with that.
[i wrote this last night, but lack of internet did no help]
things happen. maybe i am more perceptive, but it seems as though more roughness falls on me in a moment than it would in two moments or more.
all in a few days.
my broken car = no money.
my bike riding = more sleep / still tired.
my weekend = different.
a mild car accident.
a failure of a business endeavor.
there are more. i think these together kill my creativity, probably by bringing down my morale. i feel no urge. nothing. and i feel that it is these times that I need creativity, these times that i am supposed to be making a certain graphic because that is what i am getting paid to do. i don’t feel like i am. It feels so hard to have energy to create like this.
also.
work tonight killed me. not in the salinger style, but in the “i am without energy” style. knowing that friends i know are having fun. knowing that i could have been with them if it was not for school, if it was not for san jose state. not for that whole mix up. then knowing that i do not work tomorrow, but everyone else does (in turn, separating me again).
anyways, work killed me. i was tired. i complained. i felt as if i were babysitting. the girls i worked with, they were children. i grew frustrated. as time went on and i thought about the aforementioned list of roughness, things did not…[i was going to continue with this. but i have now opted against this. it would be boring to read, just a venting session through keyboard and screen. but i feel that writing about my frustration would not help me heal it. so i might as well not write and just focus, make things ok. learn peace, learn happiness...]
[this section is post script, this is live. this is 10 hours after the above]
where is happiness acheived. where could i go to become happy. what would that entail. i am a happy usually. at least content. maybe im not spilling over. but its ok with me. but there are the moments like last night [above] where i can only ask questions to help my acheive this contentment.
i thought about my recent past. my last 2 years. this newere version of self. what would this guy do. where can i rewind the tape to find smiles and laughter. movies, no. not watching it alone. that would make this worse. friends, totally, but they are gone or asleep. a nice drink, not alone, that wouldnt even satisfy, it would be a temporary replacement, and the fact that i recognize that makes me hate that i thought about that.
i just went home and read two pages and fell asleep. i dont think it satisfied me. it calmed me. my mind wandered around for the whole two pages though. [this is long, sorry]
its amazing how much respect i give sleep. its an excuse to start over. i feel that during the bad days and the sick days. i want to sleep so that i wake up with refreshment. and i know things are not different, but it gives us reason to start again. and my vent session concludes with that.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
the genesee diary
henry nouwen has once again impressed me. im only partway through the book. once again i am reading my thoughts. or maybe not necessarily my own thoughts but collective thoughts that my friends and i have. he takes seven months to live in a trappist monatary to learn the joys of quiet and solitude. and to learn to be fully present even when picking stones from a creek, or separating raisins from rocks. there is also this whole idea that he is too concerned with writing a book about our solitude while he is not enjoying the solitude. its very interesting right now. ill see if it holds up.
im off to school. for hopefully the final semester ever. i hate this right now.
henry nouwen has once again impressed me. im only partway through the book. once again i am reading my thoughts. or maybe not necessarily my own thoughts but collective thoughts that my friends and i have. he takes seven months to live in a trappist monatary to learn the joys of quiet and solitude. and to learn to be fully present even when picking stones from a creek, or separating raisins from rocks. there is also this whole idea that he is too concerned with writing a book about our solitude while he is not enjoying the solitude. its very interesting right now. ill see if it holds up.
im off to school. for hopefully the final semester ever. i hate this right now.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
the effects of being real
i have always loathed hypocracy and façades. im not saying that i have never taken on these forms, but moreso realized that being false is not an option.
in turn, working in retail gives us reason to be a façade. and i am still behind that a lot. but there is also that bond with coworkers where they understand who you are. there is this relationship. this real relationship. we spend many many many hours together. we should know eachother well.
when i dont want to be there, i say "i dont want to be here"
when im happy to see someone i say "im happy to see you"
it becomes real.
and to hear questions about faith. or what i do. or why im silent. or why im carefree. or why i care about this.
–these questions / these answers / these responses are my reasons why i am real.
so it is so good to see three coworkers all show up to vintage on sunday. thirty miles from their home. some taking the night off work. and it is good to get a text from another coworker who wants to join this crew.
it is also nice to know that i never had to force anything. i never had to pretend to have a stronger faith than i do. i just....was. thats all.
i have always loathed hypocracy and façades. im not saying that i have never taken on these forms, but moreso realized that being false is not an option.
in turn, working in retail gives us reason to be a façade. and i am still behind that a lot. but there is also that bond with coworkers where they understand who you are. there is this relationship. this real relationship. we spend many many many hours together. we should know eachother well.
when i dont want to be there, i say "i dont want to be here"
when im happy to see someone i say "im happy to see you"
it becomes real.
and to hear questions about faith. or what i do. or why im silent. or why im carefree. or why i care about this.
–these questions / these answers / these responses are my reasons why i am real.
so it is so good to see three coworkers all show up to vintage on sunday. thirty miles from their home. some taking the night off work. and it is good to get a text from another coworker who wants to join this crew.
it is also nice to know that i never had to force anything. i never had to pretend to have a stronger faith than i do. i just....was. thats all.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
it killed me
for a long time i have said those words. it killed me. many times to describe a person or a feeling or a moment.
i felt i was always asked what i meant by that. i remember being asked that after my description for Paris Je T'aime was "it killed me". and i couldnt describe what i meant. now i realize that there are moments or people that are so full of life and amazement and it is so much more than i am or i can comprehend that i claim it is a moment to kill me. to break me. to make me understand. to make me yearn.
of course i am not the first to say this. but i found it very rewarding to find that Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye uses it a lot to describe his "could have beens". i love this section:
she was a funny girl, old jane. i wouldn't exactly describe her as strictly beautiful. she knocked me out, though. she was sort of muckle-mouthed. i mean when she was talking and she got excited about something, her mouth sort of went in about fifty directions, her lips and all. that killed me."
maybe i am taking on what i read. im some sort of peter petrelli with books.
for a long time i have said those words. it killed me. many times to describe a person or a feeling or a moment.
i felt i was always asked what i meant by that. i remember being asked that after my description for Paris Je T'aime was "it killed me". and i couldnt describe what i meant. now i realize that there are moments or people that are so full of life and amazement and it is so much more than i am or i can comprehend that i claim it is a moment to kill me. to break me. to make me understand. to make me yearn.
of course i am not the first to say this. but i found it very rewarding to find that Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye uses it a lot to describe his "could have beens". i love this section:
she was a funny girl, old jane. i wouldn't exactly describe her as strictly beautiful. she knocked me out, though. she was sort of muckle-mouthed. i mean when she was talking and she got excited about something, her mouth sort of went in about fifty directions, her lips and all. that killed me."
maybe i am taking on what i read. im some sort of peter petrelli with books.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
meeting location
the thought that me, jon, dave, caitlin, ryan, thad, adrea, jordan, aletheia, shannon, joann, sammy, ashley, emily, amber, simon, keelan and more will all meet up at different parts of november in different countries and for most, will culminate in shropshire with a grand celebration, is such a good feeling.
the thought that me, jon, dave, caitlin, ryan, thad, adrea, jordan, aletheia, shannon, joann, sammy, ashley, emily, amber, simon, keelan and more will all meet up at different parts of november in different countries and for most, will culminate in shropshire with a grand celebration, is such a good feeling.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
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