character

i'm pretty sure that in the last three or four weeks i have gained a greater sense of awareness. i have gained more knowledge on who i am. i am beginning to look at myself from the perspective of the bystander. three or four weeks ago i was content. three or four weeks ago i was brian. today i am still brian. but i can also see brian. i can see what three or four weeks of thoughts and drives and rides and walks and talks and prayers could do to that guy.

what's crazy are the words that have been exposed from my mouth. words i did not know because they knew me so well.
escapism, numb, immune.
what is also strange to me is that at times i have been more interested in how sentences are formed versus what they are expressing. this had caused me to love dave eggers whilst forgetting story-lines.

this has caused me to realize that i have been a jerk to people. i have ended friendships because i was too cool for them. i have hurt people. i did not realize any of this prior to three or four weeks ago because myself and my group of friends have not brought it up. we hid it. we buried it. we lied to ourselves and said it was ok, because we are comfortable now. we lied to ourselves and said that we could get away with this. we are jerks (i really do not want to offend anyone with this. i really want to make sure we are on the same page).

i am so glad that people care.
i am so glad that people pried into my mind.
i am so glad that this world is not about my level of comfort.
i am so glad that these thoughts happened.
i am so glad that people said what was right, even if they didnt know.
i am so glad that i found issues.
i am so sorry to everyone at the same time.