sometimes things just add up


God just kicked me in the ass, basically.
San Jose State lied to me.

six more months of school

four more units

where did this come from?

I guess I cant live on a farm in spain
I guess I cant work at a job that requires my degree
I guess my perfect life, once again, gets impurities
I guess I might not be able to go to the wedding in England.

Everything adds up, all these blogs ive written, all the words ive said, all the talk of me not fitting in with anyone at my graduation. Or the fact that I read all of this information just ten minutes before my graduation party began. It all makes sense. My life foreshadowed without anyone seeing it.

Right now I know that there will be something happening, a reason for this, a reason for my extra time at the place I was over two years ago. Its hard to accept. I yelled, I cried, because honestly, this could be the worst news ive heard. But that shows me how much I care about myself, my needs, my wants, my will.

Everything seriously adds up. Im uncomfortable. Everything that was planned is now gone. Everything that looked hopeful has ended. I am frustrated. I am losing what I want. And this is what we talked about in church. Sometimes I hate (in a loving way) how god does stuff like this.

This is what I need though. Because honestly the only things right now that have been good to me, and bring peace are god and Africa. that could sound very weird. God wins of course, but Africa, oh Africa, its your lack of knowledge which kills me. Its your tribes that dance and thank god for the sunlight, its your comfort in the thousands of ways that I view said comfort uncomforting. Its your music which speaks millions of thoughts.

i know that in turbulent times there are certain albums i cannot listen to, because i will instantly associate those albums with those turbulent times. so driving back to campbell last night i decided to listen to something that i couldnt sing along to, something that would keep me sane on my drive, and something that would coincide with the prayers and thoughts that were leaving my mind. i turned to konono no1. listen to Paradiso (live).

basically after that, things fell together. im going to accept a lot of hell that i dont want to. i need this, and it sucks.

i kindof feel that god just gave me a new car. told me to get in, and right before i get in, he takes the car away from me. and i can see him hiding it. its all crazy.

This blog makes sense to me. To you guys probably not so much.