top ten of 2007


the cinematic orchestra: ma fleur
this album guides my drives and it guided my whole trip to europe. i kick myself for not going to see them at bimbos a few months ago.


animal collective: strawberry jam
the sequence of [For Reverend Green - Fireworks - #1 - Winter Wonderland] is so good.


the arcade fire: neon bible
one of my favorite bands sounding like one of my favorite singers.


cocorosie: the adventures of ghosthorse and stillborn
"I'ma shake you off though, get up on that horse and ride into the sunset, look back with no remorse"


andrew bird: armchair apocrypha
i physically rubbed shoulders with him


st. vincent: marry me
girls don't normally impress me as much as she does with this.


radiohead: in rainbows
i realized i listen to the song, nude, over 40 times


múm: go go smear the poison ivy
every year i need someone from iceland on this list


midlake: the trials of van occupanther
i was apprehensive at first, but it has totally redeemed itself marvelously


lcd soundsystem: sound of silver
everything in one. as cheesy as that sounds. it sounds so cheesy, but it is heartfelt

end of times

i forgot to update.
i was busy. or maybe i felt like not holding on to the comfort of a computer when i was away. i dont want to know. but i am.

the trip was great. ljubljana and bled in slovenia. budapest, hungary. london, hertfordshire and shropshire counties in england. and a sliver of wales.

here was my favorite moment.

the bridge in budapest. walking across from buda to pest around sunset, over the Danube. listening to "Into You" by the Cinematic Orchestra. it was at this point where i was thinking that if i kept stressing about my luggage i will not have fun. i want fun. the line from the song, "so much better here" lingering. i bridged my thoughts on the bridge. it was all metaphorical and beautiful. i took a deep breath at the end and said goodbye to comfort.

the wedding and reception was also pretty amazing. jon said everything. i cant add anything except my moment from above.

sj-sf-calgary-london-ljubljana

for about 20 hours we flew and bussed and walked and got yelled at by canadiens.
at one point my bag decided to be flown out on a different plane.
i still dont have it, nor do i know where it is at.
it snowed tonight in ljubljana, slovenija.
i liked it. we hiked at lake bled. we ate a traditional slovenijan dinner. we drank lasko beer. we had a great desert. i was given great birthday gifts.
ljubljana is great. like prague without the seediness. like amsterdam without the drugs and sex. the countryside is like switzerland without the cheese.
we saw the alps today with full snow and sassiness (no reason why i put that).
tomorrow we go to budapest. maybe ill get my bag. maybe ill wear the same clothes again.
all in all. i am happy. i want to move here to improve both the signage and the overall design of the city.

to

i always talk of the buildup. everything at once. the struggle for money. the stressful days of work. the paper that is due sooner than i had thought. all at once. i am pretty sure i have titled many blogs "culmination" or "all at once" many times. im in that one again. and as of right now i have not created a title for this.

but im excited:
to fly.
to listen to the cinematic orchestra and sigur ros everywhere. in every town.
to not work.
to see two great people get married to eachother.
to see the smiles of faces i havent seen in months.
to breathe in the brisk cold air.
to not sit in class.
to not worry about my car. or my money situation.
to be away from american culture.
to not be a stereotypical american to everyone.
to look inward and outward and not be blind.
to drink a good beer.

ill be back on the 25th.
ill try to post on here.

books with weight

in You Shall Know Our Velocity!, or the previously titled Sacrament, Will travels for a week with his friend Hand for one week. knowing that they will be on planes and some waiting time, Will brings with him the biography of Winston Churchill. the book is large so he rips out the pages that he had already read and he also takes out the last few 100 pages because that is stuff that is just weight that will not be fun to carry around. and he can read the remaining pages when he gets home.

i am trying to figure out my weight for my 11 day venture.
i will probably bring:
Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut
The Genesee Diary by Henri Nouwen
an issue or two of Good magazine
an issue or two of Believer magazine

does anyone have any books they reccomend for my travels.

two things

first:


second:
i have been at orchard valley for a bit. watching a few people take money out of the atm. its not a slow atm. if you put it in perspective with how long it takes one to get money from their account at a bank. you can stay in the coffeeshop moneyless and walk to the other wall, get money, and not have to take this trip to the bank. yes it is convenient. but these people. three in a row. are impatient. they all sighed when their money was not dispensed upon hitting the "fast cash $40" button. they looked around as if someone woule relate with their sorrows here. and no one did, and tha frustrated them. it is a fast machine. i hate that instantaneus speed is necessary for people. i think its going to continually mess up our lives. we will all become more dependant on that. as for me. i will appreciate the slow.

oktoberfest


what time is everyone going to this?

productivity

today i left santa cruz at 10:30 in the morning knowing i had to be at work at 12. around 10:45 i hit mild traffic. then i hit major traffic. it ended up taking me 2.5 hours to get home. to add to that my phone didnt work so i couldnt call in late for work. so i had to pull over and use some random dude's cell phone. and that was at 12:00 at the summit. (i actually went into that shop, i have always wanted to). but. during the 2mph drive home i cleaned out my car (glove compartment and under the seats and threw away leaves that were inside). gathered more ideas for my art show. made a nice mix on my ipod. read a chapter from mere christianity. read a chapter from the book about books that dani let me borrow. it was a nice drive.

this is what happened

top five albums


Arab Strap - The Red Thread
i still claim to be the only one ive ever known to like these guys, besides this guy jeff who i used to work with a long time ago at JDM Packing Supplies. he showed me this album when it came out (2000 i believe). i used to describe this as sexy scottish music. and i think that still holds true. this album is beautiful. listening to it again and again adds more depth and beauty to it. Screaming In The Trees is one of my favorite songs ever. perfect nighttime driving song. im excited if anyone wants to hear this.


Bjork - Homogenic
i remember i first heard this in Adrea's car when her and Hanniel were inside of Hanniels house getting ready for us to break into some hot tub somewhere. Joga killed me. it was the most powerful thing ive heard and i was floored by it. before that i thought bjork was just some weird girl. i never thought about the depth of her talent and how musical and poetic this is.


Jimmy Eat World - Clarity
my old band played a show many years ago and there was this band, Bendixon, playing on another stage. they played a song that made all the guys in the other bands excited and they ran over. and i listened thinking that the song was very good. afterwards i heard my friend josh tell them that he was glad they played that Jimmy Eat World song. it meant nothing to me until i bought clarity (to be like my cooler counterparts) and i realized Bendixon covered Lucky Denver Mint. this album has been an amazing counterpart to life. so fun to have a car full of people driving far away and singing this album from start to finish.


Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
because of the documentary this album lived with me. i felt like i was breathing Tweedys words. everything about this is so sincere. this is timeless for sure.


Broken Social Scene - You Forgot It In People
damien played this for me on the light rail on my way home from my first day of school at san jose state. there were so many layers and it was completely beautiful. i remember listening to Lover's Spit for the first time on this rainy day and the sun was just breaking through. and everything was cinematic with what was going on outside.

these could have made it:
Death Cab For Cutie - We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes
Elliott Smith - Figure 8
M83 - Before The Dawn Heals Us
Pedro the Lion - Winners Never Quit

design for justice

is doing graphic design futile?

ill share my thoughts later, when i have more time. but think about it. in terms of helping the needy. i feel that every other major in college can use their knowledge for more than i can. science majors can help construct canals or better cohabitation with the world they live around. architectural designers can create sustainable living environments. businessmen can help management of small businesses.

i can make a poster.
i can teach kids color theory. which is futile as well.

great video

Division Day -Tigers

end of summer book update

i figured i would be the only one of these that does not have the road by cormac mccarthy on the top of my blog. thanks to everyone else, i plan on reading that at some point soon. here we go:


You Shall Know Our Velocity by Dave Eggers
i just finished it for the second time. this is because i have the crazy version thats missing key information, and i realized that the mcsweeneys website has this 49 page interjection, so i read it with the Sacrament part added to it. i felt many times that i was Will.


McSweeney's Quarterly #18 by many authors
like many collectives, the writing is all over the place. sometimes good. sometimes not for me. roddy doyle's story New Kid was one highlight. there was another great story and i cant remember the name or the author. i am sorry. it is the one regarding the girl who turns into a cloud when she falls in love.


The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
it was a first time read for me. and i loved it so much. the whole time i read this i assumed i was Holden


Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour an Introduction by J.D. Salinger
like jon i liked RHTRB,C more than SAI. it was a fun story and in such Salinger style, he keep time pretty real. you read it as if it is still the same time. no next week or jump ahead 6 hours. its a long scene.


Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
this is my first attempt at Vonneget. it was quick for me to engage into this, and slowly got away from that. but then back into it (i am not finished yet). i once again have taken on the feeling that i am becoming the main character Billy Pilgrim.


The Genesee Diary by Henri Nouwen
this will be the second Nouwen book ive read. and it is great. he lives in the Genesee Monastary in new york for a few months and journals about his experience with the fellow monks and he spends time arguing about his labor, or his purpose there, or if he should be focusing in on writing. monastic living from the perspective of someone who is hoping for change but yet somewhat stressed out about it.

i feel like thats all ive read in the last few weeks.

i also feel that everyone might hate me for this next line i will type: i actually enjoy the new linkin park songs ive heard. maybe im tracing it back to Mike's smile when they played on SNL.

it will be winter



we have to go to lake bled.

wouldn't mama be proud


i am so happy about everything about this album. i forgot everything about it i think.

i still love the rest. this is just the one that is more overpowering at this moment.

november 4

i know i had that list of all of those concerts that i wanted to go to. and then i realized i need to budget and not go to any of them. and i have grown okay with the fact that i am not going to them. but one came up and it is intensly important that we all go. its on sunday november 4th. so i am sorry to those who work on sundays. but here is the information:

Recently returning from her European Tour, Joanna Newsom, folk harpist, singer/songwriter, returns to her roots in Nevada County for a special appearance. She will be performing her newest album, Ys, (pronounced ‘ees’), orchestra arrangements by Van Dyke Parks, with an expanded Solisti Glitterati Ensemble


also.


Juno. a movie i am very excited about.

on wanting to rethink and deconstruct by the end our day

last night six friends and i met up with adam, mark and lisa from reimagine up in san francisco. we went to gain some structure, to answer our questions, to create more questions and to learn. i went with no expectations really. i didnt want an agenda. but all in all i compiled some notes and i figured i would attack each point for you all. [this may easily be my first theology-ish blog]

the romance period is over
thinking about our group, we have been friends for many years. we are not an awkward group. and we have been trying some sort of intentionality for about a year. i feel that the romance is over. we are this married group. we cant always be dating and then in love and romance surrounds. there is a point where you break that down and become real. and this is where life is found. [this idea also had my mind wandering around all of the romanticism paintings that were popping up in my head, and i had forgotten how much i love them]

dealing with shit vs. falseness
in order to understand someone, you will need to know the whole self. and if we want to be intentional in each other's lifes we have to not accept falseness but we should accept the hurt and the brokenness and the shit that makes up our inner self. this is what needs work. not the brushing of the surface, or simplified to not the surface.

give? vs. inward
we always come at everything with selfish motivation. really when meeting (or through everything) we should ask ourselves "what can i give to this group?"

experience God in different ways at different times
our group is very mixed. everyone in the world is mixed. it will be very hard to get all of us on the same path, so we are all expecting different things that would help each of us, but sometimes that does not work out. we need to learn where each of us are at and look for progress and, in turn, celebrate each of our next steps

dualistic worship: going into a holy moment vs. living it out
everything is spiritual. making toast. swimming. singing. driving. laying in bed sickly. it is all spiritual. we dont go from our "real life" into "spiritual time". it is all the same. it is all interrelated. so many levels of interrelatedness. why have i not thought about this very much

we've already cultivated that part of life, some people need it
if i feel that i am good with a certain discipline (probably silence and solitude) try to teach others that. someone might be very good with something that i lack (reading the bible and holding on to that)

worshippers with hands raised. encourage them because it will lead them
i have this cynicism at times. i feel that people who raise hands in worship dont know what worship is. but in reality my cynicism towards them is farther from worship. we are on different paths. we have different motivations. we have different ways of doing different things. if we stop looking down at them (from our mindset), and embrace it, then things could be more significant

what am i holding back that keeps me from loving?
i think thats self explanitory and self exploratory

how to work through sin. what led to it. how to adjust for better.
dont focus on the goods and the bads of life. but examine what makes the bads. see what really goes into sinful action. is lack of rest causing restlessness which leads to stress and causing selfishness to spur. this is another idea that i have never thought about. i thought just praying for the sin to stop would be the key. but there is so much depth and reason for sin's existence that we really have to focus in on that.

early christians. heaven hell god satan christian.
growing up in the church our whole lives we are fed the key words to look for when reading the bible. lump things into categories. but that is the huge reason for us all going through our crazy deconstructions that we are enduring. western culture decided it was easier to categorize everything. even jesus was lumped into categories

practice things in short times
our group has huge hopes: garden, intentionality, becoming more green, spiritual formation, budgeting, meals together, serving together, and it goes on. and there is nothing wrong with that. i feel that we have tried to find the perfect balance with all of that. and that is not a realistic response. they challenged us to attack things maybe in short periods like a week or two, and see if it is successful at all. i would love to work on these.

city of angels

i am perfectly ok if i never go down to the los angeles area again. just a conclusion i reached in my mind today.

as for santa barbara and san diego. i will continue the adventures.

future events

let me know if youre interested in these:

september 19: cat power @ the fillmore
october 3: teddybears @ the mezzanine
october 4: trentemøller @ the mezzanine
october 8: dave eggers & other writers @ the swedish american hall
october 26: felix da housecat @ ruby skye
november 1: battles @ great american music hall
november 9: jens lekman @ bimbos 365
december 12: david bazan @ bottom of the hill

ill probably only end up going to one of these. it will probably be dave eggers.

some videos that have captured me

grizzly bear: knife


menomena: evil bee


arcade fire: neon bible (performed in an elevator in france)


andrew bird: spare-ohs (performed on the streets of france)

hay-on-wye

shannon & jon. my book friends. we should go to this town called Hay-On-Wye in Wales. near shropshire / downton-on-the-rock / ludlow / hereford. it is known as the town of books.





jon it is in wales. you can see your mom and dad there.

culmination

[i wrote this last night, but lack of internet did no help]

things happen. maybe i am more perceptive, but it seems as though more roughness falls on me in a moment than it would in two moments or more.

all in a few days.
my broken car = no money.
my bike riding = more sleep / still tired.
my weekend = different.
a mild car accident.
a failure of a business endeavor.

there are more. i think these together kill my creativity, probably by bringing down my morale. i feel no urge. nothing. and i feel that it is these times that I need creativity, these times that i am supposed to be making a certain graphic because that is what i am getting paid to do. i don’t feel like i am. It feels so hard to have energy to create like this.

also.

work tonight killed me. not in the salinger style, but in the “i am without energy” style. knowing that friends i know are having fun. knowing that i could have been with them if it was not for school, if it was not for san jose state. not for that whole mix up. then knowing that i do not work tomorrow, but everyone else does (in turn, separating me again).

anyways, work killed me. i was tired. i complained. i felt as if i were babysitting. the girls i worked with, they were children. i grew frustrated. as time went on and i thought about the aforementioned list of roughness, things did not…[i was going to continue with this. but i have now opted against this. it would be boring to read, just a venting session through keyboard and screen. but i feel that writing about my frustration would not help me heal it. so i might as well not write and just focus, make things ok. learn peace, learn happiness...]

[this section is post script, this is live. this is 10 hours after the above]

where is happiness acheived. where could i go to become happy. what would that entail. i am a happy usually. at least content. maybe im not spilling over. but its ok with me. but there are the moments like last night [above] where i can only ask questions to help my acheive this contentment.

i thought about my recent past. my last 2 years. this newere version of self. what would this guy do. where can i rewind the tape to find smiles and laughter. movies, no. not watching it alone. that would make this worse. friends, totally, but they are gone or asleep. a nice drink, not alone, that wouldnt even satisfy, it would be a temporary replacement, and the fact that i recognize that makes me hate that i thought about that.

i just went home and read two pages and fell asleep. i dont think it satisfied me. it calmed me. my mind wandered around for the whole two pages though. [this is long, sorry]

its amazing how much respect i give sleep. its an excuse to start over. i feel that during the bad days and the sick days. i want to sleep so that i wake up with refreshment. and i know things are not different, but it gives us reason to start again. and my vent session concludes with that.

the genesee diary

henry nouwen has once again impressed me. im only partway through the book. once again i am reading my thoughts. or maybe not necessarily my own thoughts but collective thoughts that my friends and i have. he takes seven months to live in a trappist monatary to learn the joys of quiet and solitude. and to learn to be fully present even when picking stones from a creek, or separating raisins from rocks. there is also this whole idea that he is too concerned with writing a book about our solitude while he is not enjoying the solitude. its very interesting right now. ill see if it holds up.

im off to school. for hopefully the final semester ever. i hate this right now.

the effects of being real

i have always loathed hypocracy and façades. im not saying that i have never taken on these forms, but moreso realized that being false is not an option.

in turn, working in retail gives us reason to be a façade. and i am still behind that a lot. but there is also that bond with coworkers where they understand who you are. there is this relationship. this real relationship. we spend many many many hours together. we should know eachother well.

when i dont want to be there, i say "i dont want to be here"

when im happy to see someone i say "im happy to see you"

it becomes real.

and to hear questions about faith. or what i do. or why im silent. or why im carefree. or why i care about this.
–these questions / these answers / these responses are my reasons why i am real.

so it is so good to see three coworkers all show up to vintage on sunday. thirty miles from their home. some taking the night off work. and it is good to get a text from another coworker who wants to join this crew.

it is also nice to know that i never had to force anything. i never had to pretend to have a stronger faith than i do. i just....was. thats all.

it killed me

for a long time i have said those words. it killed me. many times to describe a person or a feeling or a moment.

i felt i was always asked what i meant by that. i remember being asked that after my description for Paris Je T'aime was "it killed me". and i couldnt describe what i meant. now i realize that there are moments or people that are so full of life and amazement and it is so much more than i am or i can comprehend that i claim it is a moment to kill me. to break me. to make me understand. to make me yearn.

of course i am not the first to say this. but i found it very rewarding to find that Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye uses it a lot to describe his "could have beens". i love this section:

she was a funny girl, old jane. i wouldn't exactly describe her as strictly beautiful. she knocked me out, though. she was sort of muckle-mouthed. i mean when she was talking and she got excited about something, her mouth sort of went in about fifty directions, her lips and all. that killed me."

maybe i am taking on what i read. im some sort of peter petrelli with books.

meeting location

the thought that me, jon, dave, caitlin, ryan, thad, adrea, jordan, aletheia, shannon, joann, sammy, ashley, emily, amber, simon, keelan and more will all meet up at different parts of november in different countries and for most, will culminate in shropshire with a grand celebration, is such a good feeling.

alternative choices for worship
my bordom with church services (as of recent) mixed with sigur ros and driving at night is very ok in my mind. its fun to hear god in the unknown.

ecclesiastes

i realized that everything about ecclesiastes relates to and is my life.
probably because of these words being in my head:
futile
meaningless
unimportant

im seriously so content reading this.

numbers & saving

"if google had a black screen, taking in account the huge number of page views, according to calculations, 750 mega watts/hour per year would be saved." (visit blackle).

matthew sleeth's book, Serve God Save The Planet, is making me think too much. not bad at all. i am excited for people to read this and feel this way about our waste and our consumption and our use of time and our daily routine. i am excited to brainstorm with friends and roomates and see how we can change.

i have always taken the side of the guy who feels very unpowerful. i have never felt that my votes count. i always figured that those who are more outspoken than i am will accomplish what i want. i dont have to side. i dont have to supply effort. but the book, the challenges, the "everything that we do has the potential to tear apart the environment in turn hurt habitats which will kill the potential food for millions of people". this is america. our speed expectations at restaurants stress out the restaurants so they in turn will want easier food to make, which will involve more chemicals and, what is the worse thing in my mind, making vegetarian animals such as cows to eat their own processed kinds in order to make their diet cheaper....because in all reality it comes down to efficiency and cost-effectiveness.

these ideas get me, and i know that many people dont realize any of this or they pretend that they didnt hear about any of this (thats where i came from). but i am that one guy that will cast his vote and it will count somewhere.

jon sontag. lets meet soon. i really want you to read the book and i want us to start helping eachother out in this.

cynic

i feel that everyone is looking for their thing. everyone wants to discover this thing. im guilty of it. and the more that i have been trying to stray from holding on to this thing to be mine, to be my reason, to be my find, my treasure, my good luck...i feel that it kills me to see people find it. maybe this goes along with me hating (extreme words choice) everything that everyone likes.

all i ask is contentment for everything.
i dont want to see movies or concerts or books and just assume that these things really didnt change peoples lives.
i hear those words all the time. i just dont know anything about them. or their hearts. or their intentions.

i really hate the fact that for two days now i am being fully cynical and selfish. or maybe im just aware of it. and i think this awareness is good. tell me when im dumb. these days are good days to hear those words.

should i stay back?

i feel responsible for my friends. and i dont know what to do.

i hate it. their actions. i feel like i failed somehow
-you didnt
but they do this thing, and its....
-just be

thats all im getting out of this.

edit: this is too much

top six musicians(idea taken from jon's blog)

wilco
i had friends that were into them. and i remember seeing all these great reviews for yankee hotel foxtrot. and i saw the album at tower in the country section. and i remember being confused by it all. why did some of my friends like country. everything was adding up for me to finally listen to them. i knew nothing about them. about a week after i felt this need to hear them i was near the old camera 3 theater downtown and there was a poster advertising I Am Trying To Break Your Heart, a documentary about wilco. i decided to see it. this movie made me love the album and the band. and to see true music being made, with emotions and everything. it was perfect. here are the first 2 minutes of that film:

and then i saw them at the san jose center for performing arts (on november 13, 2004).

pedro the lion / david bazan
im pretty sure ive seen him about ten times. the first time he was in a full band, and they were on tooth and nail records and they were opening up velour 100 (i actually just figured out that this was on july 27, 1999). some of his songs are some of my favorite things ever. and the stories he paints with each album are amazing, and it makes me not take any song individually, but as a complete work. one of the few people i have ever wanted to talk to, and at a show 2 years ago he actually began talking to me. he initiated it, and i was surprised. this video is from his 1999 days.


broken social scene
my friend damien showed me them on the light rail on my way home from school a few years back. initially i knew that he liked strange music (to me) so i expected something out there. he played me Almost Crimes from You Forgot It In People. i was hooked at that point. i love the idea that this band is more of a collective than a band. they all come from different music projects (Stars, Metric, Feist, Do Make Say Think, Reverie Sound Revue...) and each song is made with different elements involved. here is one of my favorite videos of theirs:


the knife
im sad to say that i got into them after hearing jose gonzales cover their song. no originality. jose beat me to it. i remember listening to deep cuts on my way home from sf one night and i stayed in my car for a bit after to just let the album finish. thats all i can say. i saw them last year and it was one of the highlights of my concert life. what made it more special was after the show when we were hanging out outside and karin walked passed us and then we follwed her and she disappeared into the sf air.


sufjan stevens
i first heard his michigan album and i actually didnt care for it. but it was on my ipod and i kept skipping over his name and i gave it a good listen (i remember that i was near savers on bascom when i began to like the music). then illinois killed me. so so so good. then i heard seven swans. and that was truly amazing.



sigur ros
"victory rose"
my brother told me about them and i remember listening to Untitled 4 on my way to school soon after. then i bought that album, which could equate to one of my favorite albums ever. all of their music has become soundtracks to everything. the idea that i dont know what any of their songs are about has me create stories. i can listen to it through any environment. it has become the perfect piece for travel, and for nighttime and for motion. i feel separated when i listen to anything by them. i feel that i am in worship. i feel that everything is perfect. its crazy.
the best music video:

the live amazement:

thanks to the failing school systems in america



this is playing in san francisco and berkeley on september 7. i highly reccommend it (as i did a year ago).

joann, dont read that because that might not make you happy. but at least you had seen it before.

for everyone else, go see it. ill be there for sure.

the reason it is getting more showings now is because morgan spurlock is feeding the movie money (executive producer status) because that is the next slightly immoral issue that he is takling (along with everything he has done).

as of recent

i seem to like everything that people dont like and i dont like things that people like.
and its not some hidden motivation to be different.
im trying to understand it, truly.
if you have insight....let me know.

as of recent

i think one of the greatest tangents to travelling is budgeting. this also comes with me expecting certain checks to arrive that have not. or me also forgetting that some checks that i write take some time to process. and i shouldnt forget.

so basically everything brought me to a low. and i kindof love it.

i can make it though the next few days and it should be fun. i need this uncomfort.

100%


i now have booked my flight to and from london. it is official that my birthday will not exist in usa. nor will my presence on thanksgiving. im sorry to all of you that are fans of my birthday or thanksgiving.

all i do is blog.

this is moreso for my own reference, so that i dont forget about these. and i will hope that any of you will join me at these events.

july 7: sherwood @ great american music hall
july 11: klaxons @ great american music hall
july 19: the bird and the bee @ the independent
july 21: ryan adams @ the catalyst
july 23: chromeo / flosstradamus (free) @ the mezzanine
july 29: daft punk @ the greek
august 3: st. vincent @ cafe du nord
august 24: wilco @ the greek
september 9: okkervil river / damien jurado @ the independent

also, in random news:
i just found out liz claiborne died.
and

this is steve jobs and his closet

for jon, shannon and joann

looking at images of slovakia, slovenia, romania, hungary, yogoslavia, croatia, ukraine and austria, i am fully content on going on some day trips

mcsweeney's


they're going bankrupt. and they're having a sale. buy stuff to help them out. i just subscribed to believer magazine and the mcsweeney's quarterly.

www.mcsweeneys.net

missing my birthday


im going out to england in november. no questions. ill miss some school and ill miss thanksgiving. now im thinking about missing my birthday. well i wont miss it. ill just celebrate it elsewhere. it what i do besides england and the wedding that i want opinions on.

do i go to:

stockholm, sweden.


budapest, hungary.


riga, latvia.


katowice, poland.


tampere, finland.

i tried to get all snowy images because that what it will be like. most likely i will go to budapest to visit our friend joann. but joann, i think you should find a city that suits you and we could possibly meet there.

st. vincent



within 3 weeks everyone will be listening to her album. she was in the polyphonic spree. then she toured as the pianist for sufjan's band.

St. Vinvent - Marry Me
St. Vincent - Paris Is Burning

i was trying to find the dinka translation of "marial bai, i love you"


what do we do. i spent a good amount of time today looking over the international crisis group website. seeing what has happened in sudan since one valentino achak deng made it to america. seeing what all the issues are that we tend to push away daily. how amazing it would be if we could fix this. but i know it will end up being americans turning the third world nations into our investments. we will help them by turning them into little versions of usa. and i hate that.

i want to help as much as one could, but i dont want the american selfish mentality to be mixed in with it. and this is what kills me.

paris, je t'aime




i will expect everyone to see this sometime in the next few weeks.

"In pretending to be a man in love, he became a man in love"

cubicle


i know have my spot in a corner office. on the second floor. overlooking a shady forest.
but the forest used to be a homeless brothel.
and its only for a few hours a week.
but im very happy.

what is the what



can someone please read this so we can talk. and then we can plan our trip to sudan.

twenty twelve



seriously, what are your thoughts on this logo for the olympics in london. i am sure the world hates it for being too extreme and too complicated and too non-london. but i love it. not for the sake of being an opposition and loving what the world hates. but for the sake of how london-esque this is. look at album art by Hot Chip:

look at the fashion that is spanning the world today:


i will be the only person to fully back this design because of how right it is with everything. but please, i want everyone who reads this to comment with your thoughts, except for that guy who leaves comments about all those prescription drugs.

clark and michael



i think this might change my life

adding to that

i bought tickets to these events:

june 13:

helvetica the film @ landmark embarcadero theaters
july 7:

sherwood @ great american music hall
july 11:

klaxons @ great american music hall

sometimes things just add up


God just kicked me in the ass, basically.
San Jose State lied to me.

six more months of school

four more units

where did this come from?

I guess I cant live on a farm in spain
I guess I cant work at a job that requires my degree
I guess my perfect life, once again, gets impurities
I guess I might not be able to go to the wedding in England.

Everything adds up, all these blogs ive written, all the words ive said, all the talk of me not fitting in with anyone at my graduation. Or the fact that I read all of this information just ten minutes before my graduation party began. It all makes sense. My life foreshadowed without anyone seeing it.

Right now I know that there will be something happening, a reason for this, a reason for my extra time at the place I was over two years ago. Its hard to accept. I yelled, I cried, because honestly, this could be the worst news ive heard. But that shows me how much I care about myself, my needs, my wants, my will.

Everything seriously adds up. Im uncomfortable. Everything that was planned is now gone. Everything that looked hopeful has ended. I am frustrated. I am losing what I want. And this is what we talked about in church. Sometimes I hate (in a loving way) how god does stuff like this.

This is what I need though. Because honestly the only things right now that have been good to me, and bring peace are god and Africa. that could sound very weird. God wins of course, but Africa, oh Africa, its your lack of knowledge which kills me. Its your tribes that dance and thank god for the sunlight, its your comfort in the thousands of ways that I view said comfort uncomforting. Its your music which speaks millions of thoughts.

i know that in turbulent times there are certain albums i cannot listen to, because i will instantly associate those albums with those turbulent times. so driving back to campbell last night i decided to listen to something that i couldnt sing along to, something that would keep me sane on my drive, and something that would coincide with the prayers and thoughts that were leaving my mind. i turned to konono no1. listen to Paradiso (live).

basically after that, things fell together. im going to accept a lot of hell that i dont want to. i need this, and it sucks.

i kindof feel that god just gave me a new car. told me to get in, and right before i get in, he takes the car away from me. and i can see him hiding it. its all crazy.

This blog makes sense to me. To you guys probably not so much.

some experience with horses required

my search for a job is similar to jon's search. except me and the teaching thing dont go together well. but i carry my continual dream of living overseas selling flowers or something simple. to learn the culture. to learn the life that i can only dream of. this failed quest quickly became a "im going to take a trip in the next few weeks" (dont be surprised if i am gone for a week). this failed quest quickly brought me to this website. people who need help gardening or painting or learning japanese or taking care of children can post on this and let their needs be seen. i believe these are all unpaid, but they cover your expenses for when you are there. i believe they provide a place to live as well. one post stood out to me, in grenada spain:
We are looking for a reliable person with initiative to stay & look after our property for 2 weeks during june or july(dates flexible) whilst we are away. We have 3 horses & 4 cats. Some experience with horses required (although we do not want them to be ridden when we are away) There are some other jobs to do watering plants etc but our main concern is that the animals are well fed & happy.


this is amazing.

life/sleep


i am going to watch the science of sleep for the rest of my life.

character

i'm pretty sure that in the last three or four weeks i have gained a greater sense of awareness. i have gained more knowledge on who i am. i am beginning to look at myself from the perspective of the bystander. three or four weeks ago i was content. three or four weeks ago i was brian. today i am still brian. but i can also see brian. i can see what three or four weeks of thoughts and drives and rides and walks and talks and prayers could do to that guy.

what's crazy are the words that have been exposed from my mouth. words i did not know because they knew me so well.
escapism, numb, immune.
what is also strange to me is that at times i have been more interested in how sentences are formed versus what they are expressing. this had caused me to love dave eggers whilst forgetting story-lines.

this has caused me to realize that i have been a jerk to people. i have ended friendships because i was too cool for them. i have hurt people. i did not realize any of this prior to three or four weeks ago because myself and my group of friends have not brought it up. we hid it. we buried it. we lied to ourselves and said it was ok, because we are comfortable now. we lied to ourselves and said that we could get away with this. we are jerks (i really do not want to offend anyone with this. i really want to make sure we are on the same page).

i am so glad that people care.
i am so glad that people pried into my mind.
i am so glad that this world is not about my level of comfort.
i am so glad that these thoughts happened.
i am so glad that people said what was right, even if they didnt know.
i am so glad that i found issues.
i am so sorry to everyone at the same time.

non-books

right now, at this exact moment, i would say my non books would be these that i will list below. for those that do not understand the concept of non-books, here you go:
I now propose a new tag: Things which one has read and has been influenced by which are not confined to those paper-bound vessels of the printed word we refer to as books. Let's call these Non-Books. Or maybe Impossible Books. Or Limen Books? It's up to you. List five.
1. dessert music
dessert is not consumed daily, dessert is a treat, a reward, a thing we crave, a thing to be treated with respect and taken in moderation. dessert music are amazing albums that become simply the best thing in the world. years after originally hearing it, it can be reheard and the taste of it is amazing. my favorite dessert albums are:

Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
the number one album of all time in my mind. even the great color / photograph / century gothic cover art is amazing.

Death Cab For Cutie - We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes

Jimmy Eat World - Clarity


2. typography
i truly dont know if this is legit. books equal large selection of type, whereas typography contains much more than books. there is something truly sexy about certain letters (the gill sans "g" / ligatures)


3. being lost
before lost in translation hit theaters i rode in a taxi from one end of beijing to a mall in the city centre with two chinese girls and an older chinese taxi driver. for forty minutes i had to trust everything: god, the driver, these girls, everything. i was in a different world. i spoke like three lines of mandarin. the driver spoke no english. the girls spoke conersational english. we were going shopping. we get out of the taxi and there were crowds everywhere. i did not understand any word. i couldnt tell if people were happy or mad. i do not know the world. i do not know the people. i do not know everything. in usa i felt comfort because i know everything. comfort does not stretch us. comfort is our dream. i love not knowing my surroundings. i just have to trust and adapt.


4. outside
i have fallen in love with being outside. probably from travelling. i love rolling up my pant legs and riding my bike around town. i love walking to campbell. i love laying on the grass at the park. i love the breeze. i love reasoning with god when the heat is too much or the wind is too strong. i love not being inside.




5. a nice pint
i truly love a nice cold pint of beer. it has nothing to do with getting drunk or hyphy. its all about the actual enjoyment of the beer. it has that dessert aspect to it. different pints for different moods. i dont have "my beer" anywhere. its always dependent upon many things that go on around that time. this also feeds into my love for finding the best pub. these are mood-dependent as well. sometimes i prefer the quieter ones. sometime i like the loud places. sometimes i like sitting outside in the afternoon with one.

shropshire





this is where i will be in november. along with a flurry of friends and english-coutry-folk.

hallelujah

killing of time

deal with the footnotes. just pretend klosterman wrote this.

moving out last summer, mixed with not having television or internet made me appreciate life more. the influence may have come from the trip to europe that i had just been on and the idea that "i spent all this money to go here, and i am not going to waste time" [1]. so i would walk around campbell, ride my bike, become a part of the community instead of being a tenant of the city. one of my highlights still is walking into town with my laptop to do what i need to do on the internet. no surfing really. im not saying i am greater than that. its more of the thought that "i dont spend money at this coffeeshop and i just sit here and use their internet, let me get out of here as soon as i can".

i feel like ive been embracing life more, based around the fact that i dont feel like im wasting time.
maybe this could do with everything that i take on, all these roles i have put myself into[2].

but somehow i feel fully responsible [3] for people who dont enjoy life. i am also totally looking into this from my own perspective, assuming that everyone wants to not kill their days with video games/internets/televisions.

at the same time, life is amazing. im 24. a large chunk of my life has been used already. that gives me subtle motivation to do something. to go climb and run and see and hear and to experience.

it basically just kills me to walk through the library at school and see so many people sitting at their same computer each day [4] playing online poker. or kristin can attest to this one man whom i witnessed playing a few different online games all at the same time. there would be so much more to everything if these people were to actually play with other people in a real game, to verbalize, to laugh, to experience.

i feel like im just hitting the gamers.

i dont even know my motivation for this. i just get stressed out when people stay inside all day long. and it doesnt even concern me. its not my issue.

[1]: i did not view reading books or relaxing as wasting time. staying at the hostel/train station/airport/___________ would not compare to going out into the town whether it was to grab a drink/watch boats pass/go to a market/___________. the alternate was always better in my mind.
[2]: im not saying these roles are bad. i love all of them. i may have originally "taken" them because they were an escape from this evil killing of time.
[3]: slight exaggeration.
[4]: multiple times a day for some

books



"The human race publishes a book every 30 seconds. If current trends continue, by 2052 the number of people writing and publishing a book in a given year will exceed the number of people who will read one."
-Gabriel Zaid

werewolf

get up on that horse and ride into the sunset

im ready to be done. i know ive counted down. and ive filled you in on my final moments.

but i went through this sadness (mild) that had me wishing that my graduation would coalesce with me finishing 7 tests and 3 papers all in one day, just so i could throw the pencil down and walk out with a smile. meanwhile the whole school would greet me on my walk from the art building to the light rail station, with high fives and handshakes.

but i am finishing my final tomorrow. and i dont graduate until the 26th.

so there are these vague "in betweens" until then. these are the opposite of high fives and handshakes.

but i do have a bit of stress (mild) that is ok with me. i work well like this. i have this and this and those to do and this place to go (de young museum in sf). and i feel that i only have two free days to accomplish these, if only i could say im done at that point.

in other news, starbucks/customer service has killed my empathy. the opposite of high fives and handshakes. but the good from this is that it is coming back. with handshakes (high fives are overused, unless its graduation) and hugs and talks and eyesight and time.

this is my informal thank you to everyone ive talked to in the last month or so about anything basically. i think only 4 people read this anyways. thank you to you 4. [high five].

valentino achak deng

"...there were things I wondered about seeing. I had heard of rivers so wide that birds could not fly across; the birds would drop midway and be subsumed by the limitless water. I had heard of land that rose so high that it was as if the earth was tilted on its side; land that was shaped like the contours of a sleeping person. I wanted to see these things and then to return to my parents, to tell them about my journey. It was when i imagined doing so that the strings inside me felt taut again, and I had to breathe heavily to loosen them."

high fiving teddybears



i gave one of these guys a high five the other night. and it was truly awesome.

Teddybears - Yours To Keep

lent

its been a few weeks since lent has ended and i still plan on sleeping in someday. like today wouldve been an opportune time. and i work up at 830. i feel that its just making me fall asleep earlier. but at the same time, i do enjoy this routine im in.

and for the biggest excitement of all:
friday will be 99°
saturday will be 98°
sunday will be 96°
i will have a gross farmers tan.

if you all get bored over the next few days you should go here and try to figure out what stage of heat exhaustion i am in and which artist i am watching.

one hundred and fifty

this is my 150th post. maybe it should be special. maybe it should serve as a recap. maybe ill just tell you guys about the coolest thing ever.

or ill just talk in headlines because sometimes its easier to sum things up like that.

ennui is my new favorite word.
i am going to get more paint soon, and i have the canvases (or canvi).
teske's with the boys last night was the best.
one week from tonight ill see bjork.
i dont know if my body is ready to handle 15 bottles of water a day.
life is good right now.
someday ill find another job.

old friend



this is my old friend joey's new band, rock dirty raw. even though i would never listen to this. they have some talent in there. he is the singer. enjoy.

counting down

only 3 more things to do for school (test, paper, project).

also, sebastien tellier has taken over my ipod.

july 27



it will happen again.
everyone should attend.

diamond is the new fire

i will be the first to say that.

remember how we had the arcade fire, comets on fire, and amusement parks on fire.
now we have my brightest diamond, lavender diamond and kathy diamond.

neil diamond can come back now.

dam

it is so nice not to worry about work or school. to step away from making money, worry, commitments and all that. going to half moon bay the other day was so relaxing. the three of us were kids again. on the beach throwing logs in the water, skipping rocks, attemping to build a dam or a bridge to cross the river. its so nice. i think we all need days like that. im already ready to do this again.

my mind may be half-swooned by the movie, loop. i just got my copy in the mail (from norway) and even though ive only watched the first ten minutes, i have this excited sense of peace. maybe it was this guy:


maybe its the weather. maybe its the ability to walk or ride to campbell and sit and read and work at a coffeeshop.

maybe its the thought of one month until coachella. narrowed down to bjork basically:


or maybe its two months until graduation. or to narrow it down further....i have one paper left to write. one test to take. two projects left for my other class. one of which is the live painting i am doing with stations of the cross. the other project being tracing drawings that i have done.

maybe its the fact that my group of friends have really become something else. maybe its our community group that has stepped beyond "just friends" and have become people who want to serve in a variety of ways.

maybe it is serving in general. giving up my free time.

in other words, to sum all this up, im just happy.

not for those with a fear of heights


this skywalk goes over a portion of the grand canyon. and it is glass bottomed. so you can look straight down and feel as if you are walking over the canyon. i dont know if i will ever make it out to this. it was just opened to the media yesterday so there arent too many pictures yet. whats crazy is how high above you actually are.

two feet in the soap and water.

"now you have both feet in"

i was told this yesterday as i was refreshed and challenged with the community group people. its a simple line, that may have been said to me with a partial-joking attitude behind it. but it floored me. i dont deserve to get my feet washed. this leadership/community group thing is tough and fun and challenging and interesting. it all began with one toe breaking the surface of the water, and nine toes who resisted. now i realise that i should be fully immersed in all of this.

the only meaning of the oil-wet water

God: I own you like I own the caves.
The Ocean: Not a chance. No Comparison.
God: I made you. I could tame you.
The Ocean: At one time, maybe. But not now.
God: I will come to you, freeze you, break you.
The Ocean: I will spread myself like wings. I am a billion tiny feathers. You have no idea what's happened to me
-dave eggers

filmen løkke

JEG rettferdig bestilt en avskrift av filmen , løkke , av av noe norsk film website. og det koster meg 179.00 kr. forhåpentlig meg 179.00 kr ville være innlegge fint hendene og filmen ville være sendt å meg uten alle problemer , den var moro imidlertid foregi det jeg var en norsk atter.

helvetica

some day you all will be tired of me talking of helvetica.
in the meantime, click on the picture:

day one

day one at cinequest brought sweidsh auto.


so far...1 for 1

transform

im excited about this change that i feel. i cant fully describe it, but i can see myself being lifted out of this state of stagnancy. i see a huge agent for this change being my usage of time. i have felt so good since i have gone away from the tv, i have felt good since i gave up sleeping in for lent, i have felt good with reading many books. its crazy to think that i enjoyed killing every minute.